Facebook Diaries (10/16-21/2024) Random Thoughts and Things, during the October Season, towards Halloween (Alcoholism / Stalkers / 2024 Election / Halloween Season / Politics / Poverty / etc...)

(Notes from a temporary alcoholic:)

Jesus turned the water into wine...

I turned the wine into water...

(Meaning I drank so much, my tolerance was so high that wine literally had no effect on me whatsoever, that wine had the potency of water...)

The reason I'm not voting this election is because it's racially motivated... I do not have a mail in ballot, and I'm not going to the polls... Nor am I following the election... Because to me it's a joke... They're not voting for policies, they're voting who has the right to hate the other side more... It's based on hate...

I'm an Artist... That should say it all about concerning politics... Artists like me have no place in the political arena, yet they try to drag me in there to punish me for being accomplished and successful in my craft... Call it cynicism, call it racial bias... I don't care... I'm a nice guy... I treat everyone with dignity and respect... But do they is the question... Just because you use hate doesn't mean you'll win in the end... Lol

Being a good person doesn't mean your life won't take a nose dive sometimes especially if your surrounded by bad people... Some people don't like do gooders... Especially the cops... The cops don't help everybody... Nor does family... And if they do it's an empty promise...

Been walking a lot through town... Very healing... Still doing art shows on the street... Getting positive feedback, also getting kicked off some sections because it pisses off some business owners... I stopped drinking until further notice... I worked on some music lately, cooking a lot, and enjoying coffee again... Low on funds, but money is not my real issue... Haven't heard from anybody, but it doesn't matter... Yet I wonder what they're up to... Still listening to Doom Jazz/Dark Ambient, because it's sad... Fits my mood...

I'm looking for brighter horizons, how about you??? I'm not voting because I don't want to take sides... Let's unite, and forget about the fight... I have dreams, and that includes everyone... Yes I have my hardships, my life is like a drama... But I see a crack of light, I remnant of hope... I'm not a dope... To give into anger, fear, or hate... I'd rather go on a date...

Yesterday it was a sunny day... I ate a lot, walked through town, with little to do, and little on my mind... Went to the pantry, got scraps, leftover from the crowds... But I went home weary, my mind was singing the blues... Though the street was upbeat... I'm glad they're happy and free, not me... I'm still a prisoner in my aloneness... The wait is long and hard... Seems like an eternity... Be patient, don't blow it... The moon my only friend, piercing in the night sky... A moment of doom, a reminder of reality, rescue is on its way, like the mailman with a baby in his arms..

Was there ever a time in my life I wasn't treated like shit, or not treated as inferior... Probably not... It's no wonder I'm an idea man, my ideas want me to get the Fuck outta this place...

It astounds me that someone just can't be a friend... they got to play narcissistic mind games instead... Here's $20, now go back to your apartment and die alone... And if you achieve something we'll launch an attack on your being...

I got to say henna hair color is awesome... Not only is it a natural dye, but it conditions your hair to be soft... Rather than chemical dyes which dry out your hair... And it doesn't look like you dyed it... It just brightens it up, or makes it more lively... I highly recommend it... And it's easy to apply...

Well I quit drinking and back on coffee... Nope I don't go to coffee shops anymore because they're too expensive and I annoy the patrons... So I have coffee at home, and take routine walks through town, all throughout the day... I'm hopefully gearing up for hopefully something creative... I've been writing a lot publishing on my blog... I'm also working slowly on an album of music...

I still have stalkers accosting me, plotting against me... But since I'm intuitive and experienced with people who have nothing to do but waste their time and mine trying to make me miserable... I've learn to multitask between getting things done and avoiding these pricks... My public... I think I'm burnt out selling artwork on the street, so I got to suck it up and do something else...

Sometimes I have to block people unexpectedly, because I get suspicious the profiles that latch on to my feed are old friends hiding behind fake profiles to either put bad ideas in my head, harrass me subtly, or make me feel inferior... Censoring trivial comments... Then I get suspicious why would they say that when it's terrible... No matter how friendly they seem to be... Something ain't right...

(On being alone in these Dark Times...)

"I think I'm going through the same thing... But it started with the pandemic.... When the pandemic happened all the sudden I became a stranger... Nor did I see anyone I knew... And if I did they became an enemy.... During this time a wave of attacks came from people I never met... I got stalkers, non stop for years... I had to isolate from time to time to protect myself, and my family turned on me, and then I became estranged by them... Until I found myself unutterable alone.... I became less comfortable and less productive in my endeavors... I became an alcoholic to cope, meditate and celebrate my anger pain and loneliness.... Until I transformed, because second year of the pandemic I had an awakening... And for years my states of awareness and consciousness changed and became more intuitive.... I realized a new purpose outside my artistic endeavors, and realized that circumstances have set a higher purpose for me... But I am more alone than ever, but I realize this aloness is temporary and I'll find my way back to civilization, a place I once knew, a different person, with a story that they never heard before..."

This week was warm... Yesterday was perfect weather... All I did this week was walk, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, yet got not much done... I ate a lot too... But for some reason I have no inspiration at all, that I have no money to spend... Shopping is good for alleviating the blues... I could go out and sell some art but even that I don't feel like doing... I guess everything came to a temporary halt... And I haven't drank in 3 weeks... I guess I'm burnt...

I love it when I tell people I stopped drinking... Oh really keep trying... I didn't try... It just stopped working... No more benefits... So I just stopped... I'm not gonna say I'm not going to drink in the future... But I'm finally over the hardest part of these last four horrific years... And I hate neo-prohibitionists... So did you stop drinking??? Is it any of your business... No and I don't want to have your baby...

During the pandemic I expected things to slowly get better, but in reality I feel things are getting worse... I went from drunken abandon, to a dismal sobriety feeling nothing I did to change things mattered in the end... Some people never change... Cold hearted til the end out of spite... Dream killers, buzz kills... Conspirators... Superiority complex in the first degree...

The tenants in my building are the ones making my life the most miserable... Everytime I transcend a situation and keep the peace... The mind games start back up, especially when I start breaking through barriers... I have to stay calm every step of the way... I pissed off one of the tenants doing something trivial which means I'm winning but not enjoying it... I was friendly to him for a decade... Now he's getting petty... Nope, I'm not gonna walk on egg shells...

I'm not sure I stopped drinking because I'm losing spirit, or ran out of cash, or just plain needed to calm down, instead of building momentum... Things speeded up during the pandemic, but at this point things are dying down... What I thought was horror, I look back as a rollercoaster ride... Now things have become relatively routine and mundane... Two dirty words... Something's got to give eventually...

I enjoyed the Halloween season up to now, especially since I didn't get sick this season, due to the weather changes... It's like summer this last past week... Which caught me off guard... I was hoping it was colder so I see less people on the street... That's the best part of winter... Isolation hibernation... The full moon was in full effect for a long time, and I was mesmerized... When the moon is in full bloom I feel comfortable and lucky...

We had a nice week of weather, warm and sunny yet I stood in the shadows of my mind in the gloom... I guess this week was a time of reflection... To look over the mischief and horrible deeds of those I was kind to... To recharge and rise once more to find the answers and the key to the sunshine that was lost once again to the selfish and tyrannical...

What I realized about life, is that life isn't about what you got, received, or lost... Because things will always come and go... But to keep your chin up, your soul intact, as well as your integrity... And if someone tells me what I can and cannot do, they can fuck off to the hills, all I care... Doesn't matter what you promised, because promises are easily broken... And I don't sell out....

How many people can honestly admit or say that they are fucked in the head, and try and try, and try, to correct whatever is wrong or going on in their psyche... Sometimes I wonder if the things I think or say are just a skewed perceptions of the truth... Or is my differences in perception only valid if there is a cash value attached to it... Otherwise I'm just a mentally ill person in poverty, talking to himself in the street...

The one thing good about bed bugs, and I said this before... Is that nothing gives you a wake up call more than bed bugs... I believe bed bugs are a symbol of self neglect, depression, spiritual slumber, and disorder...

It seems when things get hopeless, or futile, that all you want to do is just escape from things... Nothing like a bed bug but to crack that whip... and get you back to where you should be...

Bed bugs are definitely skevey creatures... I never had a problem with them until the pandemic when life was torturous and depressing... When I stayed home more often... I started to see a pattern in their behaviors... They thrive on neglect... True... Like a pantry moth to a bag of rice, to a spider mite on a hemp plant... Like a wasp to a fig... It seems they have a magical purpose... Blood letting... Like a leech... Bad blood...

Skeleton Tree will always be Nick Cave's last great album... Ended up listening to it this morning... Drinking coffee, making cream of zucchini soup, doing martial arts in glee... Apparently I triumphed once again over injustice... And I conquered those bed bugs like a warrior eradicating them... It was a morning full of ecstacy...

Not only was Nick Cave's last greatest album Skeleton Tree, but the after seeing three shows after Nocturama... The Skeleton Tree tour was the greatest show I ever saw him do... At the end of the set he went out in the crowd grabbed some young girl and pulled her to steps of the balcony and embraced tightly... He held her captive for about ten minutes it seemed... She must have had a heart attack...

Well a new door has opened for me... An answer to my problem given to me by a friend in town that showed up as I walked outside to inspect my comforters I washed and hung out to dry... I feel optimistic...

When I feel "Oneness"... I always get back to myself... And remember my true mission in life... I remember... After I go through a battle of negative emotions beset by my enemies... And then I have to take time to process and purify these negative emotions, by not reacting to them... It's a process I've been through millions of times... Patience is my greatest allie... And awareness my greatest protector...

I think the way I think, is a result of trying to think like other people, many various inspiring ways, only to reach a dead end every time... It wasn't until I accepted myself and became true to my own thoughts did the the pathway of thinking become endless and infinite... A stream of consciousness that forever evolves...

I have to say, this was the most peaceful, reflective Halloween Season I had in ages... I'm usually sick during the fall because of the strain of adapting to my life... That and the pressures I faced in life... But I didn't fall ill this time although I feel I could just exist, without pressuring myself to do anything, but cook, eat, sleep, Facebook, take lots of leisurely walks... And forget my miseries, and keep my diary going... I left a lot of baggage behind me...

Since the pandemic until now, I've sort of lost my way in my persuits because I've been preoccupied with social strife, and racism... Since I live in a predominantly black and Mexican town where white people rarely show their faces... I've become less important in the eyes of the public... I was a somebody who became a nobody, but my persistence in showing my face in public courageously, turned the tide... Now people want to know where I stand politically. And I say, nope I'm not voting...

In regards to where I stand politically, it's not about empty promises when it comes to policies... But I tell people, if I vote left, I hate White Christian America... If I vote right, I hate people of color, and LGBTQ... It's not about policies this election, it's about who hates who... When I voted Biden I got fucked financially w/ inflation, gas prices, high rent, and expensive groceries... That and the Gaza situation funding baby killers... If I vote red this time Social security is at risk... Can't win... And I'm Pro Choice...

I don't so much as get a visitor in my apartment, I have no one to rely on, the tenants here don't give a shit about me, and I have nothing in common w/ anybody in the community... I have to take public transportation, because the cops took my car even after I paid my tickets... I can't afford the car anyways, because I only have a couple bucks to spare... I'm in debt a couple thousand dollars... And my mobility was determined by the amount of energy I lack to take a train with coins in my pocket to a town where I could socialize without people trying to set me up.. I'm not complaining... This is the first time in my life I had to face extreme poverty, but this has given me an edge, and a sense of leverage over people who run around town gossiping I'm the rich kid in town which isn't true... Everything I own I worked for through menial labor, yet people act like oh I like your bass guitar it looks expensive... Yeah I got it at Sam Ash on sale for $75.... Bitch... Somebody was getting people to hit my car in the street... Now that it's gone, no more vandalism... Cars are material anyways... Once the community gets used to me, they'll forget about how important it is to make me miserable, getting tired of the charade... I took the blows without retaliation making them feel I'm not really the bad guy... I'm not the one inflicting the hurt.... So eventually things will change, the tide will turn, tables will turn, and hopefully I can move on to something better, or get back to my initial dream...

It's funny months ago before I lost my car... I used to go to the laundromat down the street... Everytime I went there the same big old white disheveled guy was there in the early morning when nobody was there... And he'd start an argument everytime I was around him... Later I realized somebody was calling him when they knew I was going and he waited for me there to harass me.. When I used to put my laundry bag in back of my car, that's when somebody made the phone call... So one day, I put the laundry bag in the back of my car, and instead of going that morning... I waited three days... Last time I was there, I asked a proprietor that worked there about that guy in question... She said she didn't know, but she said some homeless guy in the morning got kicked out because he broke one of the dryer doors, probably out of anger and frustration... That I didn't show up... He probably waited all morning for nothing...

I miss you my boo boo, yes I do... I miss my boo boo, come here miss boo boo, I love you!!! Miss boo boo, will you be mine...??? Miss boo boo hoo... Be my boo boo, forever, and ever, miss boo boo hoo...

Everyone's goal is to have a better life, unless you started at the top, because there is nowhere else to go but down... And if you get there as soon as possible, you can work your way back up and appreciate your hardwork... And appreciate a solid foundation of success... People who start at the bottom don't necessarily work hard for success because they don't know what it really is... But when you lose something precious, you'll do anything to get it back...

All these young guys in the music industry are commiting suicide, or dying of od's in their twenties, but no one is talking about what was happening behind the scenes, or what led up to their despondence... Did they cover up the scenario... A new one just died called Sebastian Kidder... And I looked online for his New Album and it was totally removed from streaming services, which is suspicious, because they didn't even give an explanation...

I'm not sure why stalking people has become so popular... I think when I was in my mid 20's I sort of went to the coffee shop all the time, because I was infatuated with some girl that worked there, but that's the only time I did so and I was very meek at the time... But stalkers today are worse than bullies because it seems more organized and brutal... I'm ready to go Jackie Chan on people if they don't leave me alone...

Question: I've had Stalkers non-stop since I published my music in 2017... One after another... And during the pandemic it got worse... Everywhere I went... Stalker after Stalker... When I got rid of one, another would take their place... Then it became commonplace... Now I'm just used to it, yet my music isn't really soaring online... You'd think they'd at least appreciate my work...