Facebook Diaries (6/10/2024) Nostalgia / The Pandemic / Prophecy / Artists n/ Megadeth / Fighting the Gay Stereotype / Nerds / Twisting the Truth / sticking to your guns / Marriage too soon / Single Mom's / Cock Blocks

It's funny when the pandemic happened I slowly retreated to my childhood, my high school years, and looked back at what went wrong... I suddenly addressed my child abuse to the public, racial tyranny, and realized I was making wrongs right... It's almost like I got a second chance at life... Free the children... Especially your inner child... I'm 53 and I still look like a boy...

It was easy getting nostalgic during the pandemic, because during bleak times we remember the music... Bring back the old stuff, or push it forward...

Well another long battle has been fought... And I'm poorer than ever... I went for a walk and I still feel disconnected from this town... Everytime I say hello or mention the weather to someone they have to ask for something whether it be cigarettes, or today potato chips... WTF...

I think you reach a point in life where instead of sorting out the truth, you realize you'll never really know WTF is really going on... You just leave the house and hope for the best...

Megadeth hit the nail on the head w/ "Set the World on Fire"... Which leads me to believe that most artists are prophetic... At least have the gift of prophecy...

I can barely listen to my music up to my last album... I guess there's too many painful memories involved with writing them... It's like it was my old self who I want to forget... I wouldn't mind going back in time when love was still around... The late nineties and 2015 was a brighter time...

All the old Rock legends bitching about touring these days... I worked hard to forge a music or art career, but to think about playing live now seems like a drudgery that's unutterably no fun at all... Amy Winehouse said it all... Who the fuck wants to be a rock star now... I'll stick with streaming, or just small coffeeshops...

My alcoholism finally came to a halt... Once again... No money, no brew, no celebration... Then you sit out on the porch and smell the roses, while looking at the wind blowing through the sunny trees... But as far as talking to anyone... I'm sick of people...

For some reason everyone around this area is starting to glow... And I wonder if my perseverance caused it... I won't know for sure until somebody mentions why people are speeding up, and starting to become awakened... Maybe they came to some realization... That I was never the real problem....

I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing... I feel even less safe than ever.... I might have to exile to another place but only if someone will come with me... If no one takes a stand and admits their love for me I probably won't survive.... And the person who does love me will be broken and hopeless... Because they didn't have the courage... But only time will tell, and only the spirit shall know....

I'm a Nerd, at least I consider myself one... Nerds strive and thrive for love, sex too... We don't do it for the money... Nerds are highly intelligent... More intelligent than alpha males who are more shallow.... Nerds are the Omega... We improve people's lives for little reward, we transmute our pain into a creative reflex...

I have an anger in my belly for people accusing me of being a homosexual...which I'm not.... I tell them I'm not gay, I'm just a nerd.... Because even though I'm boyish, I crave women, but people want to bend me into this fucking stereotype and I got to keep fighting it...,

When I go out in public and people try to set me up for hurt, I don't ask why... Because it would show weakness, and there is no real reason to hurt people especially when you're on good behavior... It's like they keep the ball rolling even after you've won millions of times... It's like they're determined to prove you're wrong at all costs even if it means their own health and safety...

When I got alcohol poisoning resulting from being pushed around too much and excessive stress, when I recovered my drinking habits changed into a more steady pace, my nervous system was remodeled to activate my pineal gland, when intoxication, focus, and centeredness were in unity... It doesn't take much to feel elated, especially when I'm speaking or listening to music... This process saves me from the toxicity of threatening people who want to scare me... Transcendence..

When liberals disguise themselves as conservatives, or conservatives disguise themselves as liberals, and they know who you really are but they twist the truth to meet their goals... Which is to destroy you by all means, changing their story every time you present opposing ideas... They can't make up their minds who they are, they lie on top of lies... Until they're buried in grief... They just don't stick to their guns...

Even though today is problem less, or peaceful I feel betrayed... Especially by the silence of those I used to know...

When you've fulfilled your contract with life and still people think your dispicable, you got to wonder if they ever really cared about you in the first place...

The problem with getting married too soon and having kids with the wrong guy Is it usually ends in divorce... Then the single mother has problems finding love because the new male will never have mutual love with her children... That's why Nick Cave said "Your Brides and Grooms are much too soon..." Meaning it's better to wait for the real thing then to settle for security or what mommy tells who is right for you... And it's all a tragedy when you find the right person and it gets too complicated to deal with...

That's why Frank Zappa said, "If you listen to your parents on what to do with your life, you get what you deserve..." Which is true, but if you do make your own decisions and they are the right ones, some people will try not to let you get away with it... And try to prove you were wrong at all costs...

My experience with dating a single mother was too complicated and didn't last because she put her daughter before me, and all I got was sex which isn't love... And when the sex dried up the relationship was over... Which shows she didn't love me in the first place and all she wanted was a good time wasting four years of my life... But I wrote a whole catalogue of songs as a reward for my loss, which was a personally esteemed victory for me...

If you know a girl you fancy and everytime you see her somebody clock blocks you, she allowed it to happen so she's out of the question...

I'm not sure if I'll ever pursue music as a career or even an endeavor at this point... Look at the music world... It doesn't pay, it's too risky... It's too safe... And music sucks now... You have to be privileged to get a gig... Nepotism... Favoritism... Cynicism... Need I say more... I'll just play my harmonica to amuse myself in my kitchen while I lounge about...

If I really did outgrow being a songster, I think writing will be my full time gig... That's until I get tired of lying on my back writing on my tablet... Sitting down is for people at the bar with little to do except making trouble and picking on people like me... The thoughts of sitting down with my guitar and writing and recording is in the past... I always said I'll never hit the stage again until I have a band... Either that spoken word...

If you're gonna f*ck with innocent people especially if they seem inferior yet smart and degrade their attempts at their ambitions, and you won't apologize or take accountability for your actions don't complain or get angry that it all comes back to you eventually and you'll have to find a way to explain your way out of it, even lie yourself to your grave... or pay a penalty for your actions in order to redeem yourself no matter how loved you are and respected...

How many times have people tried to set me up in public and I slipped through their fingers everytime... Because I'm a decent honest person and they're all just a bunch of conspirators... I'm also God fearing, yet they want to prove I'm a homosexual... Good luck with that... I can't wait til I move on and leave all these people behind... I must have had a million women pass me up for toxic males... or obedient church going types... God doesn't go to church, God is in the heart... And being a toxic male may seem masculine, but all they are, is a bunch of thugs...

Unfortunately once you gain the courage or strength to make your own decisions chances are your parents won't support them even if they're in old age... or they're old fashioned... If they're still trying to run your life in middle age... Well that ain't normal either and it's usually selfish of them to not let go, especially if they're using resources still to punish you from a far, and behind the scenes, or they're using siblings to get revenge, to stimulate anger and hatred...

When a nightmare situation is never ending and your tormentors won't give up... Usually a situation will eventually come to a close with some sort of tragedy, or loss... Some people don't know when to give up, they never see the signs, or God's voice... They never see anything good, or they were mislead, or taught evil... God's power is patience, unlimited perseverance... The Devil's power is limited til the point where you miss your footing and fall down the stairs...

Teaching children hate and evil, especially towards the good God fearing people of the world is only a short solution that ends eventually in pain and death... Evil people have been tricked to think that they're all powerful. They see the good people as mild, weak, and feeble... But it's a trick... It's a temptation... It's an illusion... They won't know the truth til the dark spirits come and claim their souls... Truth...

My criticisms on Christianity and other sensitive topics exploited and sabotaged my reputation, but it was not a lie or a mistake... It set the tone for a drama of abuse and deception for decades to come... Only one person who believes in me, or knows the score could end this unutterable lie thrust upon me, and expose my saboteurs and conspirators... It's all in the hands of the Almighty Omnipotent force governing the Universe and humanity... I'm patient, but my enemies are not... Sure Love conquers all until it knocks on your door..

Life is just a bunch of hurdles and obstacles, a race to the finish line... The finish line being Love, Community, and a Voice to be heard... (Not to mention those collection plates, right boys...)

It wasn't until later that I realized we don't pick our spiritual partners... We just keep busy, keep focused get things done, come to a realization that money really doesn't matter, for it comes and goes... Be fruitful and prosperous, make progress in all sorts of directions, celebrate those painful moments, never take the good times for granted... And just do the best you can... Because the best you can is good enough...

No matter how good you are of a person, no matter how generous you may be, cynics and jealous people will never credit you for your good deeds... They'll find error in everything you do, or find fault or transparency... You just got to suck it up and turn the other cheek... Bitterness and anger is their ultimate plan for you...

I'm wondering when there will come a day, when someone will put a stop to people harassing me in public... That's the question, and why they let them get away with it...

I always feel better after I write a lot, then rant and rave in my apartment... And even though I talk to the wall or the kitchen windows where my shrine is... I feel content at home alone rather than be out in public where people instigate trouble... Sure I know someone wants me to go ballistic, do something desparate, go Karen, or end up in deep shit... As long as I know this, and I'm aware... I can stay in tranquil state of peace...

If you ever wonder why or how I came to the way I think... When you're hurt and rejected to the point where you can't trust what people say or do... Even those closest to you who should be there, not trying to make you bend to their will... You gotta think for yourself and your best interests, because literally people don't give a shit about people's pain or suffering until it's their turn to feel it..

I guess what I'm realizing is that the powers that be limit your freedom until they think you don't pose a threat, or you agree with their ideologies... Either that they have something else planned, perhaps you're a pawn, or an objectified useful tool... Or you're condemnable in their eyes until you find some sort of redemption... Somethings we can't control, like our upbringing, or evil influences that enslave us... Only patience can break the chains...

Redemption can be attained if your innocence can explain what you did or said in an articulate way... Finding your way out of the darkness you were plunged into by sinister forces is possible only through faith, hope, and patience... And the ability to withstand painful moments graciously... Beyond pain lies stability and balance...

Trouble is there's nowhere else to go or run to... I've reached out and nothing... but really I don't even know my own sense of worth even though I'm highly accomplished.... Because I can't make the connection... I'm still the useless person I was...and i was never taught how to teach... Nor is that innate... I'm stuck in my own world and don't trust anybody but a bottle of liquor at this point...