The Rumours are True, and Untrue... (Crossdressing as an Art form / As a Sacred Spiritual form of Worship)

Yes, the rumours are true, when I'm at home drinking listening to music, I crossdress as a form of Sacred Spiritual Goddess Worship.... What isn't true is that I'm a homosexual.... If you came as a guest in my living space, and I offer you coffee, or drinks(if I had any), I'd be dressed in my normal street clothes, like a normal guy, but for a year I've been painting my nails on purpose... And I have wigs lying around, and cocktail dresses, and other women's garments... As if I try not to hide it.... Unashamed...

Benny, who works at the tattoo shop on West Marshall street, exclaimed or asked if I was wearing make up.... because my attempt at rubbing it off my face was shoddy, and he may have noticed, or someone told him that I had make up and women's wear in my apartment.... Well people talk... Not only that, Maria Elanis, an alcoholic, crazy person went around telling Latino men walking by on the sidewalk, panhandling for mucho dinero to fund her alcoholism that I was a homosexual or I was gay, which terrified me... Especially since there was a general homophobia going around during the toxicity of the pandemic social climate.... Yes I was terrified, but also it liberated me as well, freeing me from fear.... She unlocked my deepest fears, outing me as a homosexual... I told Benny that if people are going to be calling me Gay for three decades, what does it matter if I wore dresses, or make up, because the damage was already done...

During the pandemic, I was totally isolated, and my father was losing his grip on me... I was starting to take control of my life... I was on Facebook, posting pictures of tattooed women, and buying clothes on foreign websites resembling these cosplayers, gothic women, and models, most of them with voluptuous beautiful bodies.... I'm an artist so I appreciate the feminine form... The human body, how beautiful... I do admit women inspire me, always have.... 

On the subject of my sense of spirituality, I was raised a Catholic, I loved the vibes of Christmas, but thought the Crucifixion was barbaric... I wasn't a fan of the Jesus story, and people rarely talked about his resurrection... But it wasn't until later in life did I see Jesus' story as more of a spiritual metaphor for every man's journey in life... just on a spiritual level... My infatuation with Grigori Rasputin led me to adopt my appreciation for the Virgin Mary, and Nick Cave for his preoccupation for our Lady of Sorrows...

When I was in Catholic school the story of the Book of Job stuck out to me because I was a good kid, but misfortune, and social strife always came my way as if I was being punished for something I was unaware of... I never really knew the reason... My innocence kept me standing, and when I was knocked down I got up and smiled..., 

"The Last Temptation of Christ", by Scorsese, also had an impact on the way I saw Jesus'... It made him look human, weak, frail.. I guess that was the controversy... But it gave me a down to Earth interpretation of the whole story... It worked for me... That he wasn't a Diety, or God...he was human... 

2nd year of the pandemic the wolves were out to get me... The stalkers, the verbally abusive, the schemers, the infiltrators, the interlopers, the psychos... And then I had a mind blowing religious experience... As if the Gates of the Supernatural opened for me... Feeding me information on how to deal with these malignant spirits infiltrating my life... It was then I felt spiritually initiated, and realized that I earned my Shaman rights, and I became a Witch Doctor... Witch Doctors manipulate spirits to fight evils in the community... Made sense to me... Also it is a fact that in some religious sects in other countries, Shamans, Yogis, Witch Doctors, crossdress as a form of worship, The Goddess within, the feminine dimension... Kundalini Energy... The Serpent Power.... After all energy is expressive in nature, and expressiveness is a feminine creative thing... So I put two and two together...

Which would later make sense that as a child I felt trapped in thinking if I expressed myself I would get beat up... Probably because my father discouraged any sort of movement in my personality... And when I exploded in my late twenties he gaslighted me by putting me into the mental health system...

I always knew I wasn't mentally ill... But I played their game, until I could find a way out... It's just a matter of time to fully liberates yourself... But you have to do the groundwork first... And work your way up to total freedom... And there is no easy way, and you can't cheat, otherwise you could fall, or have it ripped away from you, and it could have lethal consequences... That is unless you build a solid foundation...

So as it goes during the pandemic I was totally isolated in a tight situation in a building full of hostile tenants who literally psychologically tortured me, by the landlords request... So at that time I resorted to alcoholism and weaned myself off the antipsychotic I took off and on... I layed in bed surfing Facebook posting Hot Goth tattooed women, with fetish wear, and cosplayers, resembling anime dolls... And to me it was inspiring and sexy... I remember that it wasn't bravado, or being macho that inspired me, it was my first girlfriend who inspired femininity to me... I was in love with her because she was feminine, and our sex life was beyond satisfying... After all she seduced me, but she wasn't loyal, and when she ghosted me, after our break up she insinuated I was a homosexual by taking me to see the movie "Philadelphia"... I asked myself why she brought me to that movie later and realized what she was trying to say without words... The thing is I couldn't understand why she would think that when I was in love with her and I had no interest in men at all, spiritually or sexually... And it's true not all feminine males are gay, and being a feminine male in the gay community isn't as acceptable, leading to discrimination, and rejection... I always say, "If I'm gay, well I don't see the guys lining up." And not only that to me I'm just a regular guy...

So after getting to know this Facebook / Instagram trend, of Hot Women w/ tattoos, all dressed up to be fetish models... I started buying up all these women's clothes, boots, wigs, eye make up, lipstick, but not skin foundation... Because I have good skin, and I think foundation is god awful... And over the knee socks, thigh highs, and men's golf socks... I found a comfortable way to keep my legs comfortable and warm... It was a wonderful discovery...

The thing is I kept most of the clothing in bins, until later because I was overwhelmed by issues and had no time to catch up... So I drank my life away, selling artwork on the street to make enough money to fund bottles of cheap vodka, Mexican beer, and a bag of tobacco... It wasn't until life became so hostile that I retreated, in solitude, and started dressing up in different women's outfits, having lone Cocktail parties with myself... And that is when life got darker... It was almost like people knew instinctively what I was up to but in a dark spiritual way....

During the second year of the pandemic I had a vision of Kali, the demonic Hindu Goddess dancing in the dark to an unknown audience... This is when i was listening to Erik Truffaz's electro collaboration called "Warhole"... Erik Truffaz is a Jazz musician from France I found on my Doom Jazz playlist on Spotify...

Upon the vision of Kali, I decided to create a Hindu shrine, by my window in the kitchen...That was my place to have drinks, smoke cigarettes, and listen to music... After I put it all together it became my church, my place of worship... And that's when the initiation really began... Call it Witchcraft, call it Shamanism, call it what you like... Then post pandemic when things got rough, I retreated into solitude where I played the Witch Doctor to complete the ritual... And after I did that for a while, after evading people on the street completely, only to run and get a bottle of vodka, cheap tobacco, and groceries... The whole thing came together and then I was unjustly evicted... 

The thing is that I stopped wearing eyeliner in public, so instead I wore red nail polish instead a year before I got evicted... I guess they didn't want a homo in the building which didn't bother me... What bothered me is that he evicted me when I was broke, during cold winter weather, no where to go, and without even telling me or confronting me why, when he petitioned me at court.... I didn't go to court... Not only because I didn't know why, but I was totally unhappy there at that point... My apartment went to Hell, because it was over run by vermin, bed bugs, faulty smoke detectors which I ripped out because of the constant noise... And the leaking above my toilet... And the population in my neighborhood was full of decrepid psychos, bullies, homophobes, and racism... Thank God my Dad was a bully because it prepared me for the worst... I also had a pension for flip Milano knives for protection... I actually had to pull a knife on someone in the street, because he ran up on me for no good reason... I was starting to become Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome...

The reason I ended up on Haws ave, in Norristown, PA... Which I called the worst town, in the worst county, in the worst State... Is because my last girlfriend of whom broke up with me when I got the upper hand, and became demanding of her...After we broke up she did the same thing my first girlfriend did, insinuate I was a homosexual... She asked me twice if she could f*ck me w/ a strap on dildo, during the course of our relationship... I declined the offer, because, frankly I didn't trust her because she was vindictive, and being with her I didn't sign up for that detail... I'm not against it, it's just that she took too much from me as it is, so much I wrote a song about her called, "Your Death".. It was a nice acoustic goth album, unlike anything I did before, because it was musically articulate... But it's a common theme with me dealing with selfish women... Moving me into her apartment gave her more sexual access, and control, kicking me out when it was convenient for her... But the whole scenario ruined our relationship, and afterwards I was in terror... Because the break up was ugly... And when we first got together, I emphasized sex wasn't important... When our sex life dried up, that's when she dumped me, because it became boring and routine, that and she didn't get what she wanted...which was fulfilling her fantasy by degrading me...

Haws ave.. a place I thought I was going to end up dead in... Because basically it was a Ghetto / Barrio.... which intimidated my sense of adventure... I had to break down cultural barriers in order to survive... Mexicanos, Muchachas, Dominicans, Guatamalans, Africans, Jamacains, and Low Class White Trash, we're the general population... I wouldn't have ended up there if it wasn't for the break up with my last girlfriend... My Dad scapegoated me as the problem, and my home life fell apart and became tumultuous... But really the whole thing was a trap, and a set up for failure... If I ever succeeded with something, they'd rip it away from me... If I had a good thing going it was a lie...The problem is people were too familiar with my situation, and people were notified how to treat me and my situation... In the Psalms it specifies that the only way to defeat evil schemers is to be aware of their schemes, do not retaliate or seek revenge, for one day they will eventually make a mistake...  Yes I have logic, and ethics spiritually, and logically...

After the break up, I felt hurtling through space in time, where one thing led to another... Eventually my Father kept kicking me out, and I took road trips, one to West Palm Beach, where I stayed there for a month, until I ran out of money, and had to drive back home.... Upon returning to my parents, my Dad put up a fight, but let me back in... In the morning I got up, went to Starbucks but I couldn't go in, went home and pulled a knife on my Mom... I'd call it a result of mental collapse... Then jail time, then probation, then Behavioral Health through a mental health organization got me that apartment on Haws ave... But I told them to move me to Conshohocken, not Norristown, because Conshy was a nicer place... Norristown was a "Hell Hole"...and by the way that's another song I wrote...

I wrote "Hell Hole" back in 2015 about life in the Norristown region... But it was a more foreshadowing of events to come... It basically became more relevant later when things got worse... Maybe it was a self fulfilling prophecy like most of my work...prophetic and prolific story telling, not about past events, but more the future...

The Crossdressing thing was inevitable, because when I used to find freedom, or try an escape route taking road trips, as if I was a runaway... I kept having visions of me dressing like a prostitute, or a street art kid... Disassociating myself from the general public, and doing what I pleased, rather than please my Father's tyrannical demands... I did what he wanted me to do up to an extent, but I wouldn't go to school for Chemical Engineering.... I told him "No", because I wasn't guaranteed a job through my Uncle Calvin at Dupont, and the only thing I was good at was Art, and I had no interest or talent in Math, or Chemistry... And no one mentored me anyways, or groomed me for that position... So instead I went to College for Fine Arts, and transferred to the University of the Arts in Center City, Philadelphia...for Illustration...

The other thing about crossdressing is I grew up loving Punk and Goth music, so it fits in to my ethical schemes... It was just part of the plan... It's easy when your young to be half hearted about things you love when people are watching your every move, or looking over your shoulder, in a state of surveillance...

Historically, it was always that way, and it's a catalyst for change... Oppression leads to rebellion... Always...

Being philosophical about all this cheapen my directive, because real people do what they do, and people have to work it out in their minds, and justify their decisions, before we take steps to rectify our inability to be free... And when we find freedom, there is always a chance we might get snared...